Human Obedience Training 101

Of all the members of the animal kingdom, human beings may be the most difficult to train. Not because they’re particularly bright, but because they are strong-willed. When with their own kind, they all want to be the alpha human; trouble is, they tend to do the same with all creatures. Consequently, it is your responsibility to assert your authority and show them who’s boss. NEVER let your human make decisions; if you do, he or she will take control and your life will never be the same.

Getting your human to do what you want requires a fair amount of deception. Unlike us dogs, who are happy with whatever age we’re at, humans are obsessed with youth and therefore more attracted to puppies than to adult canines. So, the more puppylike and cute you act, the more likely it is that you can have them eating out of your paws. The head tilt is one of the most effective gestures you can make. While your human babbles senselessly at you, tilt your head repeatedly from one side to the other as if you are paying attention. You’ll have your homo sapien laughing and smiling and lavishing you with treats in no time. This tactic is especially useful when said human is yelling at you for some dumb reason — like when you’ve just finished chewing up those ugly shoes she wears. I mean, if she’d listened to your opinion, she never would have bought them in the first place.

Now, about walking your human… They tend to amble slowly along, and think you should be content with that. Remember, you are the alpha dog — YOU SET THE PACE! As soon as you feel your human slowing down, quicken your step and yank on the leash. If your human pulls back, make him think he’s won — walk back, smile, and cheerfully accept the paltry little morsel he offers you; once you’ve got him focused on giving you treats, make a sudden dash for the other side of the street. This move throws him off balance and forces him to speed up.

Hope you find these tips helpful.

Next week: Food for Thought: Getting Your Way at Suppertime

I am a City Dog

I am so gorgeous!

Last Saturday, my human and I went hiking at Morris State Park, near Poplar Bluff, Missouri. (My human was so slow, especially on the downhills. I had to stop at least every three minutes to wait for her to catch up.) I discovered that there were lots of spiderwebs across the trail (some even had spiders in them), and the path was quite overgrown. I soon realized that if I let my human go first, she would break through the webs and push the branches aside for me. She thought I hung behind because I was hot, or tired, or thirsty. It was worth the insult to avoid getting my beautiful, shiny black hair covered with burrs and sticky spider silk. I am rather vain.

On the way home on Sunday, we stopped at Highway K recreation area on the Black River. Personally, I think swimming is more fun than hiking. My human says I’m a great swimmer. What can I say? It’s in my genes!

I was happy to spend 24 hours a day for five days with my human. That’s the way it should be. But she went back to work on Tuesday and I had to stay home. I wish they had Take Your Dog to Work Day. If I were there, they wouldn’t need a paper shredder. To prove my value as a working dog, and to express my displeasure with being left home alone, I selected a few choice pieces of old mail from the trash can and chewed them into soggy little bits.